Saturday, March 22, 2014

Striving For Perfection

Thursday I returned home from my Spring Break travels, going to South West Kansas to visit friends. Being away from home for six days finally caught up with me today, and I've hardly gotten up from the couch today, catching up A LOT on my DVR'd shows. I was going to try out a Yoga class today at 1, but my emotions have gotten the best of me, and I have just felt very 'blah' today. I stayed home instead. I've dealt with what I referenced in my last post since I've gotten home. Lately, I've been complimented a lot on my appearance, on how well I'm looking, yet still when I look in the mirror, all I can see is the fat bunches on my stomach, or how big I think my arms are. Last Saturday, the morning I left for Spring Break, I managed to fall on my knee while I was loading my suitcase in my car. As a result, I got a HUGE bruise on my knee. It's still pretty sore, and it's going to take quite awhile for it to heal. Where I was visiting my friends, there was not good weather outside, so I couldn't run, which with my knee was probably a good thing. I did strength exercises, and felt like I got some really good workouts in. And I felt good about myself then. I wasn't able to exercise on Thursday with the drive back, but Friday I was able to run for a full 33:41 min without stopping, which is a huge accomplishment for me. I had a pace of about 12 minutes. Last night I had my community group for my church, and didn't get home till almost 11:30, which is incredibly late for me. And I had such a good time while I was there. But this morning I woke up, exhausted, and the let down has taken effect. I know there are some factors too, b/c I was staying with friends, and wasn't able to eat gluten free for those 5 days, and can feel somewhat of a change from that. I also have not exercised at all today, which I know makes me feel better. Thursday I had an appointment with my counselor, and she said I seemed to be doing really well, and decided to go to a monthly appointment. There's still a part of me that doesn't trust the success I'm having in my life, and I'm waiting for the downward slope/spiral to happen. It's always happened before. Days like this make me very afraid of that happening.

 In the past, I've focused a lot on perfection, and that expanded into the all or nothing attitude, and I know that isn't reality. I'm trying to focus on the healthy mentality, which I hope will help me to get through this teetering day.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

I'm Trying to Like Myself

Every so often the last couple of months I've started a blog post, only to write a few lines, and then just save it to Draft.  I have kept a blog the last several years, but the way my life was going, it was pretty negative. And no one wants to read all about negativity. It's also hard for me to be totally open about how my life is going-- as I tend to hold back my true feelings-- I'm one who usually bottles things up inside, so my posts were holding back even more than I wrote. Since July, I've been doing really well with my health and fitness "battle." I call it a battle, b/c it's a constant up and down roller coaster for me. It's been a bit of a smoother roller coaster since July, but it's still been a bit bumpy. 

Though in reality, it's never going to be a smoooooth ride. It's never going to be perfect. --- But that's my head talking there. I know in my head it can't be perfect. Yet I still want/expect it to be. I'm trying to like/love myself, but I still look in the mirror and see my flaws. I still nit-pick on what I don't like or want to change. I know in my head that I should be proud of myself for the work that I've done on my body. I'm in the best condition that I've ever been. But sometimes that doesn't matter to me.
I've been eating as healthy as I can, being as consistent as I've ever been in a long time. Today I had 5 mini Reese's peanut butter cups. And since I ate them, I'm trying not to beat myself up for having those peanut butter cups. It could have been a lot more. It could have been the whole bag. I guess that's the "positive's " in looking at it. 

I'm trying to love myself. Honestly I am. I'm getting there, but just not quite there yet....

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


I survived my first half of my school year somewhat unscathed, which is almost hard to believe. I can hardly believe that it's already January, and that it's 2013! But, today was our 4th day back and school (we came back Thursday of last week), and I kept thinking, "It's only Tuesday?? It feels like it should be at least Wednesday!!" Our next break is MLK Day, and I'm sorry to say I'm looking forward to it! LOL (And were already talking about Spring Break even! ) I'm trying really hard not to lose my motivation with being able to keep my school momentum, which I tend to do this time of year. This year is actually better than others. I know there's always morthat I could be doing for my students. The first three months I was basically drowning in school working 60-70 hours a week on school, and it was really hard not to burn myself out. Somehow I finally figured out what to do, and am now able to leave school at 3:30, and not go in on the weekends. I'm getting the required stuff done, but not the "extra" things that need to get done.

Back in November I bought a Garmin Watch, but I have yet to use it--It was $200, so I really need to use it. Yeesh! My exercising has been rather up and down the last several months. I can't really remember the last time I ran, but I've been continuing to walk on the treadmill (and incline) and do strength exercises-- though the consistency of 6 days a week like I want it to be hasn't always happened. After my counseling appt today, I'm going grocery shopping, and I really would like to shop differently. I've tossed around trying the Paleo diet, especially since I know it would be good for my skin, since I have rosacea. I really miss not being close to a Trader Joe's and Whole Foods, which was 80% of my food when I was living in Omaha before. But I'm not really sure I could totally commit to something like-- I'm too much of a convenience person, and even with that, there's some time involved.

I won't get a workout in today, but I did get some strength exercises in yesterday evening. I didn't sleep too soundly last night, and I can tell this morning. My coffee just didn't kick in very well!!

Monday, December 24, 2012

Season of Firsts

Merry-Happy Christmas Eve! I am sitting here with my laptop, kleenexes, humidifier, hand sanitizer, and my glass of water. I had planned on leaving either today or early tomorrow morning to go to my family in Nebraska, but evidently my body had another say-- Starting about Wednesday I got a sore throat, and it went down-hill from there. I was holding kind of steady, enough to host a Christmas party for my para's Saturday night, but then woke up yesterday feeling terrible. I'll spare you on my all my symptoms. LOL With my sister-in-law having cancer, I don't want to go to see her being sick like this, or my parents for that matter, so I guess I'm going to be "delayed" seeing them. My parent's are planning on being at my brother's on Saturday, which is a 4-hr drive for me (versus a 7 1/2 hours to my parents), so I'm hoping that I will be better by then to go see them. It's rather strange for me, b/c this will be the first Christmas Eve ever that I haven't been in church! 2 years ago, was the first time I wasn't in my parent's church for Christmas Eve, but I was just in a different church. That year, I was at my brother's on Christmas Day. Last year, I was at my parent's again for Christmas Eve/Day.
I've been talking to my mom off-and-on yesterday and today, so I guess even though I can't be with my family, I can still talk to them. :-)

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas!! 

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Terrible Week

This has not been the greatest week for me. It was as if I couldn't keep it all together, and the dam finally broke. I can't seem to stop eating, eating waaaay too much (both chocolate and fast food), and my exercise has been lacking. I didn't exercise the last 2 days. The stress of school, I guess, finally caught with me in my eating and exercising. You're supposed to look forward to your weekends. Last night I left school at 3:40, thinking only about the amount of work I have to do. I honestly do not want to spend another 15 hours this weekend working on school work. I probably should have stayed last night and worked on school stuff, to cut down on the amount of stuff I have to do today and tomorrow. But I just couldn't face it. So, went home, and basically binged (well ate too much), from the stress.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Complaining Doesn't Do You Any Good

Friday I actually left school before 4:00 (shocker), but it was b/c I needed to pick up my new insurance card at central office before 4:00. I really could have worked several hours, but I guess it was good that I left at a decent time. I still was so tired that I went to bed at like 7:00. I was debating either doing a workout or going to bed, and I chose bed. Saturday I left for school at school from a bit before 7 a.m. to work till about 1:30ish (woke up about 5:30ish, and watched some tv on Hulu for a bit while drinking my coffee beforehand). Came home and ate lunch, then went and got some things for school, and some groceries. I actually debated going back to school to work some more, but it was about 3:45 when I got home. I decided to go for a 45 min walk instead. Did some laundry, while working on a student's IEP for the meeting on Tuesday. Actually stayed up till a bit past 8:30 even. This morning I woke up about 4 a.m., but was able to stay in bed till 4:30. I sat and drank my coffee, watching some Hulu till about 5:45ish, and then left for school and actually made it back home by 12:30. I hate not going to church. But if I would have waited until after church, that would have meant being their till after 6 p.m. My brain just does not work that late in the day, with being so exhausted from working on all this school stuff. I came home and ate some lunch, and then stress hit me. For the last month and a half, I've done extremely well with eating well and exercising. I've been able to have a Sonic Blast, go back to eating healthy, and not let it spiral down. Friday I had a snickers Sonic blast. I've been trying to limit myself to once a week "splurge," but today was a bit of plunder- I got a package of Zingers and a package of m&m trail mix, and I inhaled both of them. The trail mix should have been multiple servings with probably at least 1,000 calories maybe? That was about 1:30, and I'm sure that had an effect on me being so physically exhausted. I watched tv for several more hours, until finally going for a walk at 6:00. I walked for 30 minutes. Should have been longer, but guess it'll have to do.
Tomorrow I'm visiting an Autism classroom to get some ideas, so I get a bit of a break I guess. In regards to the title of my post. It doesn't do any good to say that I hate my job or that I'm drowning. The fact is, it's my job, and no one can help me, or do it for me. I have to do it. I guess it's strength practice or whatever. But I am tired of having no life and never being able to get away from school. I've been here 2 1/2 months, and have yet to be able to do anything besides go to school and go to SuperTarget and Walmart grocery shopping. The only people I've met are my co-workers. They're nice people, but merely acquaintances.
There are times where I think it would be nice to just be able to check myself into a mental institution, just to take a break from school and this stress. Yeah, not exactly the nicest thought.